I have always loved the start of a new year. I am an achiever by nature and I LOVE setting new goals, to see a new blank page laid out before me to fill however I choose to. It is exciting and motivating. It fills me with hope about all the possibilities of what adventures are on the horizon. So, I was surprised this year as 2021 dawned bright and shiny and new, I actually felt anxiety surface. Throughout the day instead of excitement, I felt the bubbling up of fear. I did not expect this reaction, although I feel I am likely not alone. Last year was a very hard year for so many people. So many of us faced mountains to climb, valleys to cross, and waves to withstand. Mine involved a diagnosis with cancer for myself, and of autism for my son who already has Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. My mountains likely do not have the same name as yours, but the hardship and fear felt as the trials were endured this year are universal feelings by all of us. Although the year was so very hard in some ways, we all also gained many blessings through the process. We learned to choose joy even where there is every reason to remain sad and angry. We learned communities are full of wonderful and caring people as they delivered meals to those who had to remain at home and created new ways to remain connected to one another. We learned God is present in all moments, even the hardest ones if we leave space for him to enter to support and love us.
Entering into 2021 should be an exciting shift, new hope for good things combined with the strength and resilience we gained from making it through 2020. This is what I expected to feel. I did feel some of this until my anxiety kicked in without my opening the door for it. It just barged right in yesterday whispering the reminders to me of how many bad and unexpected things entered my life last year. I never saw the cancer diagnosis and journey for my family as I made all of my hopeful plans as 2019 came to a close. It hit us like a freight train and knocked us completely off course. With it came the lasting fear of how unknown the future truly is. Cancer was not the only thing we endured throughout this past year. Like so many of you, there were trips canceled, plans changed, dreams dashed, and hope lost. I have become so good at finding the silver linings and blessings and God moments that bring light to the darkness, but the darkness is always there. I can feel both the light and the darkness, and my anxiety is heightened when the darkness begins to overshadow the light. Last year showed me how much control I do not have over what happens to me and my family. In a lot of ways, it is a terrifying realization. One that is haunting me as I begin a new year. If I do not have control, how can I prevent the bad things from happening? If I can’t prevent them, how do I remain hopeful for all the wonderful things that are also possible?
My plan is to continue to place my trust in God. I do not have control over how this new year plays out, but He does. If I sit and reflect on each fear and struggle over this past year, I can also come up with a counteracting blessing that pulled me through. We can not control all of what will enter into our lives this next year, but we can control some things. We can control the love we share with others. We can control how we react to fear and pain, choosing to find the joy and gratitude in those moments and holding tightly to the hope they provide. We can control our ability to continue to rise back up when we get knocked down, never giving up in the face of defeat. We can control continuing to walk in God’s light, searching for Him and his love in the rough patches, praising Him during the moments of easy peace and happiness we also find ourselves in.
2021 is full of newness. New goals, new paths, new strength, determination, and resilience to chase our dreams. This is what hope is made of, and I choose to fill my life with it this year no matter what is up ahead. My hope is bigger than my fear. I pray yours is too. Let us all kick our anxiety to the curb, there is work to do and we do not need its negativity messing up our hope.