I am not in control of this

We hold onto things so tightly in this world, as though we get to take it with us when we leave. We try to control what is uncontrollable. We fear loss and change, even though it is the only thing constant in our lives. For me, these feelings resonate most with my children. If I were to name my two biggest fears since having children, they would be losing one of them and them losing me. I am certain I am not alone in this fear. As a mother, I am sure many women want nothing more than to have their children grow to be old and happy and to be able to guide them through their lives until we are also old and happy, having lived a fulfilling life. I do not know if this dream will be a reality for me. I have had to walk into both of these greatest mother fears and face them head-on. My constant battle is to work with God to ensure I do not get sucked into the darkness of my fears, to keep turning toward the light and choosing faith over the fear. To admit to myself I am not in control of this. 

First came the fear of losing one of my children as we learned my then 2-year-old son has the genetic disease Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. It is progressive. It will affect all of his muscles through his body. It is currently incurable and will end his life at some point far too early. Learning your perfect and beloved child is sick and you can not fix it or stop it has to be one of the hardest blows to a mother’s heart. All we want to do is to love and protect our babies, and we think we have this almost divine power to do whatever is necessary to prevent them from being hurt. Having that perceived control stripped away leaves us feeling powerless. I have done everything possible to gain back power and control. In the past two years since the diagnosis, I have advocated for awareness for this disease I had never heard of until my son was diagnosed. I have attended conferences and listened to researchers explain the clinical trials they have ongoing trying to find the answers and the treatments to help my son. I have run 2 marathons alongside my husband in the magical land of Disney World to raise money for that research. I have flown and driven to other states to bring my boy to the best doctors. I have been participating in a clinical trial to provide information on how this damaged gene I also have in my body is affecting me, how it could be affecting other moms. The fact that my son has this disease because of receiving the damaged gene from me just adds to the pain in my heart. I am doing everything possible to control and change the outcome of his disease, battling and fighting against reality. I am not in control of this. 

Then came the fear of my children losing me as I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, a type of blood cell cancer, this year. My very first thought when I learned of the tumor in my chest, near my heart, was I can not leave my children. They need me. My heart, my soul, aches at the thought of not being here for my babies. It causes physical reactions for me- tears, racing heart, trouble breathing. I hold on too tightly to them, and so the thought of leaving them causes my body to feel like it is in a vice, the anxiety and fear crushing me. Somehow this fear is even worse than losing one of my children. I think it’s because the loss of them would hurt me, but losing me would hurt them. Circle back to as a mom, I feel I have the power to prevent them from being hurt. In dealing with cancer, I have also done everything possible to gain back power and control. I have switched my diet to plant-based. I have undergone surgery to identify the type of cancer and have a port placed to deliver medication. I have endured 8 chemotherapy treatments over 4 months. I have undergone 15 radiation treatments to my chest. I am doing everything possible to control and change the outcome of my cancer, battling and fighting against reality. I am not in control of this. 

The problem is, I need to have control. I crave it. It helps me feel safe. If I can not control losing my children, or them losing me, how can I breathe? How can I wake up each day knowing I am living my worst fears and still do my work as a pharmacist? How can I go about a normal day making school lunches, walking children to school, folding laundry, knowing the only thing certain is I do not have actual control over my fears for my children? What I am learning through this hard journey facing fears is that what helps me the most is admitting to myself I am not in control of this. 

I do not know what exact fears you are facing in your life, or how to help you learn to cope with them daily. What I can tell you is most fear stems from believing we have control we do not possess. We think we can force life to go the way we plan, desire, hope, and dream… but mostly our feeling of having control is a facade. The reality is we can not control outcomes to all things. What is controllable is the fact that we can accept we do not have control. For me, I am working daily to lean instead on power stronger than my own, God. I am releasing my need for control to the one who created me. To the one who created everything. I am seeking words of wisdom daily from my bible, clinging to verses like 1 Peter 5:6-7. Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Letting go of control is not easy it is very very hard. I think this is part of being human, how we were created. God gave us the blessing of free will, to think for ourselves, and to decide the actions of our lives. The toxic version of this free will is believing we therefore can control everything. Instead, I am learning true freedom comes from realizing we control our thoughts, our responses, and actions to life, not life itself. Choosing to give my fears to God allows me to breathe again. I believe even though I do not have control over how long my family remains together, our love and God’s love stretches from this life into eternity. My healing is coming from prayers to God, telling him I am not in control of this. You are, and I trust you.